What Makes Sex Great

Use the word sex and immediately people listen. Show sexual images and eyes open, so do wallets. Sex is used to market everything from fast food to automobiles. There is not a person here this morning that doesn’t think about sex. So, what does the bible say about sex? Song of Solomon is a book of the bible dedicated to giving God’s perspective on sex.

For some people sex is an uncomfortable subject. But for God it’s part of His perfect creation. After Adam and Eve sinned sex became tainted just like everything else. Thankfully, God is in the restoration business. Jesus came to make all things new, including sex.

Sex is how a man and woman express their great delight in each other.

Is sex physical? Is it emotional? Is it spiritual? How are they connected? Are they connected?

Does God reveal truth in the bible that answers these questions?

Some have said that the book of Songs was written to demonstrate the love relationship between Christ and the Church. This is the case in Ephesians 5:19-33. But why do we feel the need to make the book of Songs into a story about
Christ and the Church when it doesn’t even mention this? Why are we so ashamed to talk about sex when God is not. It’s one of His greatest inventions.

Song of Solomon 8:4
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

In this book about the love relationship God designed for men and women in the context of marriage we see that the love described includes the following…

Raya – Friendship, companionship, buddy, best friend
Song of Solomon 4:7
All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.

Ahava – Commitment, loyalty, unconditional
Song of Solomon 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

Dod – Romantic, erotic, sexual
Song of Solomon 1:2
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth-- for your love is more delightful than wine.

If you have two out of three or one out of three you will experience some heat but you will miss out on the big flame that God had in mind when He created marriage. God desires that you have all three of these in abundance in your marriage relationship. Only then will you be able to experience the heat of romantic love the way God desires.


Six things every great lover knows…

1. Different Desire
Men use romance to get sex; Women use sex to get romance.
Men need to learn to remember to be romantic.
Women need to learn to not exasperate their husbands.

2. Different Wiring
Men live in compartments. That’s why a guy can be in the middle of mowing the grass or washing dishes and be ready for sex in a moment. He doesn’t need to be showered or feel sexy. He can go from the work compartment to the sex compartment and back to working.

Women live in complexity. Everything is interconnected; body, heart, mind and soul. For her to be ready for sex she needs to feel loved and feel lovely. She cares about the setting. She wants candles, clean sheets, perfume. If the setting is not right or the timing is wrong, the experience is dulled. If the guy says one dumb thing during the day, her mood is gone.

3. Different Timing
Gary Smalley said it best.
Men are like Microwaves and Women are like crock pots. For a woman good sex begins at daybreak. For a man good sex begins ten seconds from whenever.

4. Learn the Signals
With all the differences between men and women, it is easy to miss each other in the bedroom. It’s best if you have a sign. If he’s putting on your favorite cologne right before bed, that’s a sign. If she’s lighting candles before she turns out the light. That’s a sign.

5. Different Needs
Men and Women are different. Depending on your marriage, it may the man or the woman who’s appetite for sex is greater. But it’s part of the way your care for each other. Sex is not just another choice of entertainment. It’s a real need.

1 Cor. 7:5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Marriage is selfless. If you don’t satisfy your spouse’s sexual needs, who will?

6. Talk and Communicate
Don’t assume. You are meant to serve each other. Find out what your spouse enjoys and what they don’t. Ask, what can I do to make this better for you? I tell all couples in pre-marriage counseling, “You need to get your PhD in your spouse.” Become the expert.

Biblical Woman

God was talking with Adam. He said, “You really need a helper, don’t you?” And Adam answered, “Yeah, I really do.” So God said, “What if I make a woman? She’ll be perfect for you. She’ll be beautiful. She’ll rub your back at night, & your feet in the morning. She’ll plop grapes into your mouth. She’ll prepare all your favorite meals without fail. She’ll clean up the kitchen & take care of the kids. You’ll never have to do a thing, just sit around & be the king of your household.”Adam said, “Boy, that sounds great, but how much is this going to cost?” God said, “Well, it’s pretty expensive. It will cost you an arm & a leg.” Adam thought for a moment & then asked, “How much can I get for a rib?”

Review- Men lead, Women follow. This is so that the world can know God and glorify Him. If that’s important to you, what the Bible says about the role of men and women should also be important to you.

Men Lead- Some were worried when they heard this. But last week we looked at the two paradigms of leadership. Lording and Loving. We discovered that the only way God approves of leadership is loving leadership. The man is to lay down his life for his wife.

Women Follow- What does this mean? The bible answers this question too. In Ephesians 5:21-24 we read, 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

The context for men to lead and women to follow is mutual submission. Neither is asserting self over the other, but rather self-will is sacrificed for the sake of the other. That is why Genesis 3:16 is so shocking. Here we read of the great divide that is the result of sin. When sin enters in, biblical man refuses to die and biblical woman refuses to submit.

Turn with me to Genesis 3:16


Text:
Genesis 3:16
To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."

Body:
Submit = Respect + Obey

No man can lead a woman who won’t be led. Some have said, man may be the head, but the woman is the neck.

This morning I want to compare and contrast two passages: Genesis 3:16 and Ephesians 5:21-24. The first explains the reason that women and men struggle in their God-given roles. The second explains how we can be restored to the place God originally created for us.

“Desire will be for your husband” - In Genesis we learn that part of the curse of the woman is that her desire will be for her husband. What does this mean? There are only three places in the Bible where this particular Hebrew word is used. Once in this passage, one in the next chapter and once in the Song of Solomon. In the Song of Solomon 7:10 it says, “I belong to my lover and his desire is for me.” Clearly here it means that he has the hots for her. If this is the meaning of the word desire in our passage it would mean that the curse on the woman is that she would have the hots for her husband. Most of us guys would agree that it’s a blessing whenever our wives are attracted to us. Clearly this is not the curse.

In chapter 4 of Genesis we see the same word used of Cain when God says to him, But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." Here it has the meaning of overcoming you or mastering you. This is the meaning in chapter 3. Because of sin the woman desires to take her husband’s role over. Her sin nature causes her to desire the lead even as the sin nature in the man causes him to rule when he should be serving.

The answer to this problem is found in Ephesians 5.
v. 21 Both men and women need to submit to each other. This is explained in vv.22-33.

Men do this through dying to self. Women do this through submitting their will to their husband. Three times in these verses the woman is instructed to submit. This means respect + obey.

What does this look like?
Jesus in the Garden. “Not my will but yours be done.” Jesus demonstrates submission within the trinity. Notice that He has a will. Women are supposed to have their own desires. That’s Godly. Notice that he voices His will. Women are supposed to have a voice and be bold to share their desires. But despite voicing His opinion clearly Jesus says, “nevertheless, not my will but yours be done.” This is what submission looks like. You recognize that after you have said your peace, you will leave it in God’s hands to decide. In Jesus’ case, He did not get what He asked. Did God the Father not hear Him? He did. But His will was better. Jesus recognized this and went with it. It’s no different in the context of marriage.

What if your husband is not a godly man?


“The only thing worse than being lonely is being stuck.”

Seven things Husbands need from their wives:

1. Respect – How you speak to your husband in private and in public. Man at dinner who’s head was bowed in defeat.
Balloon.
Nicole is “my biggest fan.”

2. Sanctuary – Well-managed house. Righteousness, order, peace. Relatively clean. A place where a man can let down his guard.

3. Crown – Proverbs 12:4 “wife is the crown of her husband.” She makes him look good. Illustration: Guys – How did you score her? Good. Women – How did you score him? Bad.
Loveliness of a woman. Look better, smell better, sound better. Softer, cleaner, kinder. Your guy doesn’t need you to look like the cover of a magazine, he only needs you to look like you. Your husband is visual. Your appearance is important to him. If the barn needs painting, paint it. Dress well, do your hair, keep in shape.

4. Appreciation – What he does is not taken for granted. The role of a man comes with responsibility. Do you appreciate what he carries for your family? Hard work, decisions, protection. Men may not cry, but they still feel pain.
Nik – “I’m glad you have to make that decision. You’ve always made good ones before. I trust you.”

5. Sexual Fulfillment – Notice, not sex, but fulfillment. Men want to know that their wives enjoy them. They want to be wanted. Women need to take the initiative too.

6. Freedom – Space, hobbies, guy stuff. Not endless to-do lists.
Old ball and chain.
You have work for him to do, but you’ll be happier in the long run if you make sure he has his guy time.

7. Christ follower – No man can lead a woman who won’t follow. You need great faith, patience, tact.

Biblical Man

Last Week I made a bold statement. I said men were created to lead and women to follow. I was able to be bold because the Bible is Bold. If you were offended by this statement, chances are you don’t understand the Biblical definition of leadership and following.

This morning we are going to discover Biblical Manhood. I am going to provide you with a picture of what it looks like to lead God’s way. Next week we will discover Biblical Woman and paint a picture of what it means to follow.

Our text this morning is from Ephesians chapter 5 where we find a description of the role men fill in marriage.

Text: Ephesians 5:25-33
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Body:
(In this passage we are reminded once again what is at stake in finding unity between men and women. Our world understands the trinity, the church and the savior through the example of godly men and women. If we don’t live out the biblical truth that men lead and women follow, we will build barriers that keep others from discovering who God is).

v. 25 “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” This is what leadership looks like.
The Greek word for love here is agape, not eros or phileo. Agape love is the loyal, selfless, committed, supernatural love that we can have for our wives because God demonstrates it to us and the Holy Spirit gives us power to pass it on.

Mark 10:42-45
42 Jesus called them together and said, "You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 43 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Before sin, there was only one way that Adam could lead Eve. It was through love and sacrifice. It’s all Adam knew and it’s all Eve wanted. It worked. Thanks to sin, there is now another way to lead and that’s by lording your advantage over another. So, there is leading by loving and leading by lording. According to our passage today, there can be no doubt that leading by loving is the pattern God intends us men to follow.

Women instinctively know this. They are drawn to this type of leadership. It pulls them.

Men, our pattern is Jesus Christ. We are to die to self and sacrifice our needs and desires for our wife. If you are not prepared to die, you are not leading the way God designed. Your leadership will do more harm than good and you will not be demonstrating God’s truth to the world. There are few things more destructive than a man who dominates his wife and uses the Bible to justify it.

What does it mean to die? When will I have to die? Though the idea of death in this passage certainly includes physical death, that’s the easy part. It is more difficult for us guys to die to our hunger than it is for us to sacrifice our life. Paul chooses not to use an example of a man dying in battle for his wife. Instead he says feed her and care for her needs like they were your own. The biggest obstacle to our being leaders is our fondness for ourselves. That is why Paul says in v.28-30 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body.

Men and women have no problem clashing. When they do, someone must give. Guys, that’s you. Don’t you dare play the “I’m the leader, you have to listen card.” Die to self. Be crucified like Jesus for your woman.

Now you may be thinking, wait a minute. All my defenses down, dying to self, sacrificing; she’ll make my life misery. Next thing you know, I’ll be driving a pink car, watching romantic comedies, doing all the housework and changing all the diapers. I don’t think I can do that.

Here’s where faith comes in. Do you trust God’s Word? Do you believe that God knows what He’s doing? If so, not to worry. Here’s the incredible part. God not only designed women to be drawn to men who lead by loving, but he designed them so that their response is to want to serve you. Men, if you lead by loving your wife she will sing your praises. She’ll brag on you, cook your favorite food and give you all the sex you want. She’ll anticipate your needs before you do and you’ll be blessed.

God wired her that way when he made her. But it starts with you. You have to love your woman before she will be free to serve you. That means you have to stop trying to make her meet your needs and just love her. She’ll take care of the rest.

Close:
I want to close by giving you a more complete picture of what it looks like to be a leader-lover because I know some of you still don’t get it. Here’s 7 things every woman longs for from her man:

1. Tenderness. Flowers. Gentle words. Gentle touch. No harshness. She will bloom only when the environment is nurturing.

2. Esteem. Men hunt. We hunt for clothes, for food, for cheap gas, and we hunt for a woman. When we find a woman we like, the hunt is on. That’s when men do crazy things. We’ll spend every dime we have, stay up way too late, watch movies we don’t even like. We can be funny, witty and focused, all in pursuit of a woman. But when we get her the chase is over. She becomes a trophy like and elk hanging on the wall in the den. Men, she let you catch her because she wanted another 50 years of that kind of attention. If you’ve already got her, don’t stop chasing.

3. Companionship. Two girls go to the bathroom together. Why? Women love companionship. They don’t get excited about doing things for you. They want to do things with you. HOBBIES.

Vacuum story.

4. Romance. Guys, romance is not a synonym for Sex! Show affection without fondling. Often a woman wants to experience your touch and your affection without it leading to anything else. BACKRUBS, WATER, READING, THOUGHTFULNESS.

5. Listening. Women have a lot to say. They dream of saying it to you. Guys are visual, women are relational. Men, as much as you are attracted to beautiful women, women are attracted to attentive men. TV at dinner out. LISTEN WITH YOUR FACE.

6. Security.
Not Lazy.
Not Angry.
Not Wondering.
NO FEAR. Safest place on earth should be wherever you are at.

7. Time.
Date Night.
Availability all day.
Family vacations.
Days Off.