Letter to Julia

I share the following with you, my brothers and sisters in Christ who have stood with me and for me these past 2 years, in hopes that these expressions of my heart's struggles and triumphs may enable you in the days to come to somewhat understand another bereaved pilgrim in the future. It is inevitable that death comes. May we learn how to come alongside or even strengthen our own hearts when that day arrives. Dearest Julia, your daddy's rugbug, your mother's Julia-Marie-flowergirl-Sarah, your sister's best friend, and your brothers' compassionate cheerleader: It was 104-weeks ago today that you left us. Dad has counted every week since that 4th October Friday in 2011. I only counted to 40; the number corresponding to the time you spent in my womb. And of course week 52. While the official records will always list the day as 10/28/2011, for us it will forever be the last Friday of October that your mother found you still conscious but barely clinging to life. It was that last Friday that the Kaiser doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, and pharmacists worked for more than two hours to reverse the devastating effects of the drugs and alcohol upon your heart. It was 2011 October's last Friday evening that we sat huddled in a bleak ER hallway watching the medical personnel file out of your room with heads down, avoiding our looks. We were offered your shoes and sweat pants as you were prepared for the coroner's office. It was the day that my world came crashing down. Today we remember. It must have been at least 6 months before Fridays did not cast an even grayer cloud over the Halligan home or hold me in the grip of that gnawing sickness that only the bereaved know. It would be 52 Sundays before I attended church without weeping, and 19 months before I sang a hymn or song with heartfelt praise void of those why?s and no!s screaming in my head. It took me 18 months to live a day in which every moment was not consumed with thoughts of you. C. S. Lewis described in perfectly in A Grief Observed, "I never knew that grief felt so much like fear." You, more than anyone, would understand, and it has been in this experience that I now understand the pangs of fear, anxiety, and hopelessness that engulfed you. I will be forever sorry that I did not comprehend the weight of your burden. How distressing to a mother's heart to learn only after your death the enormity of your soul's malady and of the Christian ministries that could have helped you heal. We all failed you, Julia. All of us. From doctors and psychiatrists to pastors and counselors to family and friends, we were all ignorant. Only the two women at Alternatives Pregnancy Center pointed you and urged you in the direction of tangible help...the road you purposed to take in January, but it was not to be. Dear Julia, I have never been angry at God like so many of the bereaved mothers I have met. That aching why that screamed for so long has quieted. It has been replaced by a surrendered acceptance that He is God and He is good, even when the healing doesn't come. I would not have chosen to lose you for a million others I might help, and I still wouldn't. Despite the knowledge that my questions will never be answered this side of heaven, I have finally gotten off my face and have risen to the place of quiet resolve to press forward and take what the Lord's hand has given, and taken away. I have finally come to the place where I can minister to others without an explanation from the Almighty. On this 4th Friday of October 2013, I know as I have never known before how little I really know. Even in sharing the burden of fellow-grieving mothers, I acknowledge only partial understanding of those who suddenly lost a healthy, happy child to a motorcycle, car, or plane accident, a drowning, a freak fall, a murder, or while fighting in Iraq. I cannot truly understand the sorrow of losing a 4-month old, 4-year old, or 14-year old upon whose young, carefree life sorrow had not yet made its mark. And I can only begin to understand the horrific distress of losing one's only child. But there is One who understands. He is the One who voluntarily gave His only Son to die that many sons might be brought to life. How deep the Father's love. It is incomprehensible. Lord, help me today to understand, to REALLY understand the Father's love for me and for my Julia. May I know Jesus Christ and the power of His resurrection, for it is only those who have died that can be brought back to life. As I close the door to the last 24 months, may I press on and follow You. May I obey Your call on my life, no matter where it takes me or requires of me. May I heed the Holy Spirit's promptings and proclaim the Good News to all the broken Julias of this world. So I want you to know, dear Julia, that felt joy and peace and hope have returned. I am wholly involved in my God-given duties without that distracting sense of loss. You will always be in my heart and thoughts, but my mind is no longer obsessed with the remembrance of your short and painful life. There is still the felt-awareness that a part of my heart has been ripped from me; that an absent limb is staring me in the face. But I am purposing to focus on the now and that you are at peace and in the care of Christ. I have now traversed the valley of the shadow of death where for so long everything and every moment was held in the grip of that shadow's darkness. My soul and mind have broken through to the other side and the light is shining again. The beauty of autumn once again thrills my soul. Your sister and I took a 6-week road trip, avoiding I-80 and the sorrows we feared its memories would bring. We had fun. We breathed, and tasted, and saw, and heard all the wonders of the creation. You were with us."Ooh, wouldn't Julia have liked this!" was declared time and time again, except during our 3 days of camping! Just think, no spiders or cold ground to sleep on, kiddo! You would take delight in the goings-on in the Halligan home. Jennifer continues to persevere in her quiet, unpretentious, serving ways, always looking to the Lord's leading as to how she can bring happiness to others. Your sister has taken your place on the living room sofa with her textbooks, binders, class notes, and index cards strewn about. I have returned to hushing conversations and closing doors to muffle sounds because "Jennifer is studying!" You'd be so proud! You'd surely chuckle if you could see! She's had 4-5 books going at once this past year. She's taken up your Bill Bryson books and purchased some to boot. Who Moved My Cheese has joined Walk Through the Woods in the car for filling up wait times. She read Your Half of the Apple and now gives copies to girlfriends. We've continued our Sunday evening book reading, adding many more Christian biographies and autobiographies to our finished list while Jennifer's stack of cross-stitching pieces gets higher. She even hushed me in hotel rooms so she could read! I guess somebody had to fill your shoes! And your mother! Oh, Julia, you'd be so pleased! Before our road trip I read the original 2000-page, Victor Hugo-authorized translation of Les Miserables and Notre Dame de Paris. How often I wished you had been next to me to discuss all I was reading and learning! Yours and Grandma's gravestones are well attended! Jennifer visits 4-5 days/week. You rarely lack a bouquet of flowers! She keeps Trader Joe's floral section in business as our garden roses don't hold up in Sacto's heat. The Lord knew when Trader Joe's was going in that you and Grandma would have plots just down the street! Well, good-bye my dear. I look forward to that bright day when I shall again see you and all tears are wiped away. The beauty we enjoyed on this earth will be far-exceeded by the magnificence of the new heavens and earth! Love Always, Your Mother

Day Thirty-Eight Forty Days of Focus:Relationships

The place of prayer. If you want to reach your neighbors, you'll need to spend time in prayer for them. Paul says, "I planted, Appolos watered, but God causes growth." You can plant the seed of truth and water it but only God can cause faith to come alive. Commit to praying regularly for your neighbors. This will cause you to care for them the way God cares for them. It will also be the way He gets the glory when they respond.

Day Thirty-Seven Forty Days of Focus

How do you know if you are doing enough to serve others? After considering all the relationships near you and God's call to serve and submit to each other, isn't it possible that you could lose yourself trying to save others? Jesus touched the lives of many but only deeply connected with a few. He made sacrifices to be available but also took time to be alone. He didn't pursue wealth or acclaim. He only did what the Father told Him to do. I think we can learn a lot from His example: put relationships first. You relationship with God is primary. He will tell you who to invest in. How many people should you pursue? God only knows and He will tell you. Without a doubt, though, your were made for relationship with God and with humanity.

Day Thirty-Six Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

How do you meet your neighbors and build relationships with them? Start by really caring for them. Pray for them. Ask God to give you genuine love for their well being. Some of the best suggestions for starting the conversation: 1. Host a BBQ or dinner. 2. Take their garbage cans in. 3. Clean the leaves from their curb. 4. Mow their lawn. 5. Ask, "Can I pray for you?" 6. Invite them to serve with you in the community. Got other ideas? Share them by posting a comment.

Day Thirty-Five Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

The Good Neighbor test: Are you taking seriously your calling to love your neighbors? Imagine a tick-tack-toe box with nine squares. Put your own name in the center. In the other eight boxes put the names of your eight closest neighbors. If you are able to do this you are in a small percentage of Christians. Only 10% of the Church can do step one. Next write some biographical information on each neighbor. Include only things you could not know by looking from your front yard like where they are from, where they work or what they did for vacation. Successfully doing this puts you in the top 3% of Christians. Lastly, include hopes, dreams and belief in God. Only 1% of Christians can do all three steps. What does this teach us about ourselves and the impact of the Church in our neighborhoods and our Country?

Day Thirty-Four Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

Who is my neighbor? From Jesus' parable of the Good Samaritan, we learn that our neighbor is anyone who comes across our path in need of help. It could be the person at work, the grocery store or on vacation in another city. One problem the Church faces is that while we believe we should help and serve others, we are so broad in our definition of others that we end up with a definition very similar to "No one." Someone once said, "If you aim for everything, you'll hit nothing." What if we defined neighbors as the people who lived next to us? At the very least, it would give us a solid target. “What if the solution to our society’s biggest issues has been right under our noses for the past two thousand years? When Jesus was asked to reduce everything in the Bible into one command he said: Love God with everything you have and love your neighbor as yourself. What if he meant that we should love our actual neighbors? You know, the people who live right next door. The problem is that we have turned this simple idea into a nice saying. We put it on bumper stickers and T-shirts and go on with our lives without actually putting it into practice. But the fact is, Jesus has given us a practical plan that we can actually put into practice, a plan that has the potential to change the world. The reality is, though, that the majority of Christians don’t even know the names of most of their neighbors.” Jay Pathak, The Art of Neighboring

Day Thirty-Three Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

The two Great Commandments are a better summary of the bible than any other passage of Scripture. Not coincidentally, Jesus declared as much when pressed to declare His own belief about eternity. In this declaration we discover our need for right relationship with a Holy God (worship) and right relationship with mankind, made in His image (love). In the simplest of ways we are told what real living is all about: worship God with all you have and serve your neighbor as yourself. This leaves us with a distinct impression that self serving pursuits are the antithesis of what we were created to do and the cause of great evil. Are you using your strength for the good of others or for yourself?

Day Thirty-Two Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

There are a large number of people who are "out of work" in our country. It might be good to think about this from a biblical perspective. Although there are certainly times when work is not possible, God created you to work and He considers it good when we use our talents to create and watch over the world He gave us. 2 Thessalonians 3:6-10 says,"In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, we command you, brothers and sisters, to keep away from every believer who is idle and disruptive and does not live according to the teaching you received from us. For you yourselves know how you ought to follow our example. We were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone’s food without paying for it. On the contrary, we worked night and day, laboring and toiling so that we would not be a burden to any of you. We did this, not because we do not have the right to such help, but in order to offer ourselves as a model for you to imitate. For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.” Even if you don't make good money doing it, working is part of what God created you to do. If no one will hire you, volunteer.

Day Thirty-One Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

How much time and energy does your work deserve? There is nothing biblical about a 40 hour work week? This was a man-made condition that is relatively new to the world. For much of recorded history people worked long, hard hours. To this very day, many around the world still do. Becoming a workaholic is almost celebrated in American society. Many companies openly expect or reward their employees for working long hours, always answering their phones and giving their best energy and ideas at work. It feels good to be rewarded for a job well done. Respect comes with achievement and financial success. It is extremely important to remember that relationships suffer when neglected. How much time and energy does your work deserve? Never more than you have to give. If your phone is keeping you from right relationships with your spouse, your kids, your friends or your church, it's too much. Are you getting time away from work to spend on relationships? Do you take time for yourself, your exercise and good eating habits? It's a good and godly thing to work hard. It's a big mistake to work too much.

Day Thirty Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

According to the bible, you are to honor and respect your boss as you would honor and respect Jesus. But what should you do when your boss asks you to do something dishonest? Is it better to obey your boss, or your conscience? Does God overlook your dishonesty if it was done in obedience to your boss? In Acts chapter 4 verses 18-20 we read the response of the apostles to the Sanhedrin which was the religious governing body of the Jews in the first century. Because they opposed the preaching about salvation in Jesus name the apostles were ordered by authority of the counsel to stop immediately. "Then they called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus.But Peter and John replied, “Which is right in God’s eyes: to listen to you, or to him? You be the judges! As for us, we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard." When you must choose between God's authority and human authority, clearly it is wise to choose God. This should never be an excuse to take the easy way but rather a command to take the right way.

Day Twenty-Nine Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

As unto the Lord. One of the ways we worship God is through kindness and respect for people who don't deserve either. God tells us to obey our boss as if we were obeying Jesus Christ. He effectively removes the obstacles that we allow to keep us from obeying by telling us that the boss might be a poor one, but he was placed there by God and as an opportunity for us to build character and demonstrate faith. God's will for you is not that you are always happy, but that you are always growing and maturing in your relationship with Him and with others. Next time your boss is on your last nerve, remember, anyone can hate annoying behavior, but only in Christ can we love the unlovely.

Day Twenty-Eight Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

Why did God put you in the particular place where you work? Have you ever considered that your work place is one of the greatest opportunities for other people to see your life and testimony? Most of us spend more time at work than any other place during the week. The work environment lends its self to relationship building as common tasks are completed and obstacles are overcome. We are able to see each other handle success and face failure. I can't think of a better mission field than the place where you work. Live your faith out loud. No one likes a big talker, but an honest, hard-working, self-sacrificing person of faith is an asset to everyone. Bring your passion and faith to work with a heavy dose of humility and grace and you will find that your place of work is a vocation more than an occupation. The amount of money you make and the fulfillment you find in your job will pale in comparison to the joy you have in seeing eternal life change in your co-workers.

Day Twenty-Seven Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

Is your job more of an occupation or a vocation? Do you know the difference? An occupation is what you do to make money to pay the bills. It's an obligation; a necessary evil. It's not that you can't enjoy what you do as an occupation, but it's rare. Most people don't look forward to Monday, they look forward to Friday. That's work as an occupation. A vocation is a different matter. It's more of a calling than an obligation. A vocation takes into account God's sovereign will and sees purpose in it. Work becomes worship. It has great meaning and significance. When you invite God to speak into your work world and tell you where to work, you will find that your Monday is a vocational experience. God will be in the details of every day. How much money you make will match what you need, no more and no less.

Day Twenty-Six Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

Why do you work where you do? Did your job come from God or from Craigslist? Sometimes it seems like our job is none of God's concern. He's busy running the universe and I've got bills to pay. A Biblical, Christian view of our job is that God is in control of every detail of our lives, including work. James 4:13-15 says, "Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” What is God's will for your work? If you find that the place you work is the place God wants you in as part of His will, it can change the way you view your job.

Day Twenty-Five Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

Dropping bad friends is hard. Finding new ones may be even more difficult. When I was 18 that's exactly what I did. After four years of high school, I knew I needed to find friends who were not going to lead me to act like a donkey and make a fool of myself. The summer after graduation I stopped returning phone calls and never saw my friends again. It was a lonely summer. In the fall, when I began college, I looked for some new friends. The first week of school there were several fraternities and campus groups with booths recruiting new members. I knew the frat house would be more donkey business, and I stayed clear of them. The group I chose was Campus Crusade for Christ. I met the leader, joined a small group and went to weekly large-group gatherings. It felt like joining a new church. None of the guys seemed like the perfect best friend I was looking for. In fact, they all seemed a bit of a stretch. They were nice, treated me well and seemed to like me o.k., so I continued on. For a few years I stuck with that group of guys but never found a solid, life-long connection. However, during that same time, I began to make solid life choices and grew like a weed in my relationship with Jesus Christ. Eventually I did find some life-long friends at Seminary who were great influences in my life.

Day Twenty-Four Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

What happens when you need new friends? If your friends are not the kind of people who will encourage a you and support you, protect you and speak truth into your life, it's best to look for some new ones. Any friend is not a good friend. In the Disney version of Pinocchio, the young boy made of wood is trying to figure out how to make his way in the world. Desperate for friends and wanting to be like other boys his age, he makes fast friends with some boys who are trouble-makers. His impressionable young mind is quickly turned to rebellion and a life of ease. The boys are soon recruited by a stranger to join the party and go to Pleasure Island for some good fun with no adults to ruin things. Once there, they begin to play pool, smoke cigars and let loose. As the story goes, they soon begin to transform from human children to donkeys. That's when Pinocchio realizes his mistake and makes a run for it, but not before he grows ears and a tail. It's a fictionalized version of what happens when you hang with the wrong crowd, but Pinocchio's response is perfect. He doesn't stop to say goodbye or slowly pull away from the friends he's made. No, Pinocchio drops everything and runs from the folly he's joined. If you are with the wrong group of friends, you need to drop them and run. Not all friends are good friends.

Day Twenty-Three Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." When was the last time you tried to cut into a ripe tomato with a dull knife? I did this just last week and it did not end well. Fortunately we have a nice knife sharpener in our kitchen. After dragging the dull knife through the sharpener a few times I tried again and what a difference it made. The knife didn't look any different but it sure worked better. Just a small bit of rubbing off the edges made the knife a lot more useful. How useful are you for the Lord's work? Could you use a little bit of sharpening yourself? The Bible says we are sharpened by our friends. Having good friends is like having a knife sharpener in your kitchen to rub the edges until they are clean and sharp.

Day Twenty Two Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

How much can you rely on your friends? If you were in need of a kidney transplant, is there anyone outside of your family who you are confident would make this kind of sacrifice for you? Proverbs 18:24 says, "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin,but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Good friends are built over time through a series of give and take encounters. The best way to gain a good friend is to be a good friend. Is there anyone outside of your family you would give your kidney for?

Day Twenty-One Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

Sincere Friends Speak the Truth in Love, Even When it Hurts Proverbs 27:5-6 "An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy." (NLT) Friends don't let friends do stupid things. It's always easier to see poor decisions from the outside than the inside. If you have friends who know and obey the truth of Scripture, you will find good advice even when you don't want it. When you care about a person deeply you are moved to tell them when you see danger coming their way. From the job you choose to the person you marry, friends are great sounding boards to help you find your way. Sometimes just having to tell them what you are thinking will help you see the error of your own ways.

Day Twenty Forty Days of Focus: Relationships

You are who your friends are. Proverbs 22:24–25 Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul. (NLT) The old saying, "Birds of a feather, flock together," is a reflection of the truth found in Scripture and seen in everyday life. Who you spend your time with will change the way you see the world. Think of the two or three people you spend the most time with. What are their morals? How is their character? Do they show restraint or abandon? Are they pure of thought? Are they mean? Are they humble? These types of questions will flush-out what kind of person you are becoming. The degree to which you share your heart and soul with these people will determine the degree to which you are influenced by their character and values. It works both ways. You can spend time with people who will pull you up or drag you down. Choose your friends wisely. Don't settle. If you have a friend that's a bad influence, you may be able to still maintain some kind of friendship, just not at a close level.If you have other friends that are healthy influences, they will be able to help you figure out what a healthy amount of time and energy might look like with your friends who are not good influences.