In-laws or Outlaws?

What stresses marriage? The Big Three are: Money, Sex and In-laws.
We’ve already talked about sex. We’re going to be talking about money soon. This morning I want to share some truth about your parents.

Three Passages
Five Laws
Five Applications

Genesis 2:24 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

Law 1: Leave “awzab” to depart from, leave behind

There are no parents at this point. This is not a reaction, but a prescription.
In what way do children “leave?” Not a fleeing from, but a moving onward. I don’t leave from, I leave to. When I go on vacation to Lake Tahoe, I’m not necessarily “leaving Sacramento.” I may be more interested in going to Lake Tahoe. I’ve seen young people so desperate to leave their parents and start their own life that they jump at the first person who comes along. Leaving is necessary for cleaving. It’s not an exciting event on its own.

Law 2: Cleave “dabak” to cling, stick, stay close, cleave, keep close, stick to, stick with, follow closely, join to

This carries the meaning, “unity, togetherness, oneness.” These two are almost impossible to separate. You can’t let anything come between you. Not kids, not parents, not siblings, not careers. Superglue yourselves together. This doesn’t mean that you don’t spend time with your parents any more. It just means that your parents can only have what’s left. Your spouse comes first. If it’s mom or your mate, mom has to wait.

Deuteronomy 5:16 "Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

Law 3: Honor “Kawbad” The idea here is to carry weight. Don’t take them lightly.

It doesn’t mean you must do whatever they say. It doesn’t mean they are always right. It does mean that they should not be “blown off.” They hold a position of esteem.

1 Timothy 5:4 “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”

Law 4: Care “yoose-beho” act reverently towards ones relations, show that you care. This word is often translated, “care.”

Just as your parents were responsible for taking care of your needs as a child, you are responsible for taking care of their needs once they are no longer able to. If they need a place to live, you care for them.

Law 5: Repay “apo-deedo-me” to pay back, give back, recompense

The sense here is that because your parents have given to you, you are indebted to them. When it is your turn to take care of them it is like the responsibility they had to take care of you. Just as we look down on a parent who neglects their child, God looks the same way at a child that neglects his or her own parents in their time of need. When you marry, you take on responsibility for your spouses parents as well as your own.

Five Applications:

1. Prioritize your life.
Spouse trumps parents every time. If your mom wants you to buy the Volvo and your wife wants a jeep, get the jeep. Whenever the decision comes down to parents vs. spouse. Always honor your spouse first.

2. Set healthy boundaries.
It is a strange thing to tell the parents that raised you, “I will go this far, but no further.” One of the keys to getting along well is having good boundaries. It goes something like this, “We will come over for Thanksgiving, but if you start to talk drinking, we’re leaving.”

3. Present a United Front.
Never squabble with your spouse in front of your parents. Communicate in private and stick with what you agree on. Don’t abandon your spouse in the middle of the discussion. If you think it’s wrong, say, “We’ll need to talk about that.” Then do it in private.

4. Be a man about it.
Being the man of the house come with responsibility. Husbands you are a protection for your wife. If she is being pushed around by her parents or by your parents, it’s time for you to take a stand. Be gentle. Be respectful. But be clear. You will not allow your wife to be treated poorly. She is your crown. Pick your fights. Don’t run into battle every time there’s a disagreement. But let your wife know that if you chooses for you to step in, you are ready, willing and able.

5. Don’t be bought.
Money is power. Parents often have more money than their kids. The easiest way to manipulate is to buy stuff. There is no problem with parents helping their kids financially. But if the gift comes with any strings, don’t take it. It’s not a gift. It’s a bribe. Gifts are free. And when a gift is given, it not o.k. to designate it. It’s from one family to another, not from one parent to one child.
6. Prepare to care.
What will you do when your ailing parent needs your time or money? Do you have any to give? Plan on taking care of at least one of your parents in the home stretch. Help them with their house, their bills, their loneliness, their chores, their lack of mobility, their health or whatever else they need. Just as with kids, you can hire someone else to care for them or do it yourself. But it’s your responsibility. Don’t be caught off guard. Talk to them. Make plans as you see needs coming.